Control with a Capital C

It may not seem like needing to control aspects of one's life isn't all the bad.  I think having a sense of self-efficacy is a great and wonderful thing.  Self-efficacy is one's belief that one has the power to make changes in one's life.  We need to have a sense of self-efficacy to feel empowered, to feel that our life is not in chaos.  However, as with all things in life moderation is the key.

When our need to control prevents us from satisfying relationships with others we will not be happy. When have the mindset that the only way for us to be successful, to be happy, to feel safe, to feel powerful is to control others we are on the fast track to being abusive, miserable and unloved.

To understand the need to control, it might help to gain a greater awareness of where it comes from.  Often times fear is the basis of our need to control.  There are life experiences that can create this fear such as traumatic or abusive life experiences, failed or failing relationships, and low self-esteem to name a few. If one doesn't stop and work through the hurt and pain of such experiences, we will do anything we can to avoid getting hurt again.  We are fearful that if we don't learn how to control our lives and those in our lives we will not be able to prevent getting hurt in the future.  The need to control our psyche's defense from being vulnerable to others and being hurt.

The life of a controller is not one of void of hurt but exactly the opposite.  Relationships are dysfunctional and life in general is unsatisfying.  We are social creatures that need the love, support and nurturance from others.  We need the interdependence that we get when we are in mutually respectful relationships.  These positive, soul fulfilling relationships cannot happen when we are need of control. We must allow ourselves to be vulnerable so that the soft parts of our heart can be touched by love. This will make us happy.


Peace and love,
Kelly

You Don't Always Have To Be Right

On our quest to be happy, let's talk about the need to always be right.  I see this often played out in arguments between partners, friends, parents and co-workers.  It creates strife, resentment and blocks authentic connection which we deep down really drives humans.  When you create a divide between yourself and others that you genuinely care about you will not feel happiness.  

I wonder if what is driving this need to always be right has more to do with what it would mean to be wrong.  Take a moment and ask yourself, "What would it mean to me if I were wrong?" "What does that little voice say inside your head when you allow yourself to consider times when you may have been wrong?" I wonder how this interaction plays out with others.  I wonder what it means to you to be wrong.  I wonder what meaning it holds for you.  I'm guessing there is a belief that you hold deep down inside about that it means for you to be wrong. 

Let's go back to when we were learning about ourselves, the world and the expectations of those we value.  I remember when I was in school; I took tests, lots of tests. I remember very clearly that many of my teachers always seemed to use red ink when marking papers.  Occasionally, I had the teacher that used green or purple but it didn't mater the color of ink, when she or he marked an answer wrong, even if it was just 1 question wrong, I focused so much of my energy on that 1 wrong answer.  My thoughts never focused on the questions that I got right because that's what was expected.  It was the wrong answers that I beat myself up over.  Thoughts rushed over me, "I should've gotten that right!"  "I bet no one else got that question wrong."  "I'm not as smart as the other kids."  All sorts of negative messages swam around my head.  I began to feel insecure about my abilities, my intelligence and I didn't want anyone to suspect that I might not be as smart as them.  I needed to protect myself, my vulnerable self from possible embarrassment from my peers.  This is just one example of how negative self beliefs develop. 

Others may have had parents or grandparents, teachers or coaches that planted the seed in our core self that we somehow didn't measure up to their expectations and brought disappointment to their faces.  These are the adults we looked up, admired and loved.  While many of these adult were well meaning, and thought they were encouraging us or making sure we understood their expectations.  Often times the messages we heard was "You didn't study enough or practice enough or try enough"... and those messages were seeds of self doubt of "not good enough" grew and grew until they took hold inside and got twisted into a negative self believe that we must always to the best, always get the right answer and if we didn't then we were not good enough.  That being wrong somehow meant that we were not good enough. 

Now, that's scary.  Not being good enough.  No one wants to feel that way.  It shakes us to our core.  So we will fight with everything we have to avoid being wrong.  We have to be right because we have equated being right with being good enough, smart enough, tough enough... This can't bode well for our relationships.  Typically, we are operating on auto pilot when it comes to these deep self beliefs.  We don't even realize what we are doing, thinking and interacting.  It's become so much a part of character, outlook on life and way of interacting with others.  It usually only comes into our awareness when it begins to create problems in our relationships.  We begin butting up against someone else and their deep self beliefs and it can create some real problems- we are not happy.

So, give yourself permission to become curious about those deep seated self beliefs.  Ask yourself, "How would I feel it I were not right?" "What does that stir up?" Anxiety, stress, insecurity, fear... anger, disappointment.  Then remind yourself that no one can have all the answers, no one can be right all time; it's ok to make mistakes.  Then practice self-compassion.  Love yourself for being wrong, for not being right, for not being perfect.  Love yourself because you are you and that will bring you happiness.


With Peace and Love,

Kelly

A Quest to be Happy

Back in May of 2011, the website authors at The Purpose Fairy created a list of 15 Things You Should Give Up to be Happy. This article has had 1.2 million likes on Facebook and it was the most shared article in 2011 according to Facebook. It's no surprise to me that this went viral.

Here are the 15 things we should give  up so that we can be happy:
1. Give up your need to always be right
2. Give up your need for control
3. Give up on blame
4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk
5. Give up your limiting beliefs
6. Give up complaining
7. Give up the luxury of criticism
8. Give up your need to impress others
9. Give up your resistance to change
10. Give up labels
11. Give up on your fears
12. Give up your excuses
13. Give up the past
14. Give up attachment
15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations 

I thought the list was a well crafted and spelled out exactly what we needed to give up that is making us feel so miserably unhappy.  This list is misleading in it's simplicity.  It's like saying stop eating so much and exercise more.  There is so much more to the psychology of why we struggle with doing those things that will make us happier, healthier and at our BEST.  If it were just a matter of "do this" and "stop that" we'd all be one big happy!  But unfortunately, the quest for happiness is mired in our thoughts, experiences and our beliefs about ourselves and others. I don't believe for a minute that all of us who are unhappy are choosing to be unhappy consciously.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will spend some time talking about each of the "things" listed and perhaps offer some thought provoking commentary that might help someone along their journey to happiness.  After all we all deserve to be happy!