It may not seem like needing to control aspects of one's life isn't all the bad. I think having a sense of self-efficacy is a great and wonderful thing. Self-efficacy is one's belief that one has the power to make changes in one's life. We need to have a sense of self-efficacy to feel empowered, to feel that our life is not in chaos. However, as with all things in life moderation is the key.
When our need to control prevents us from satisfying relationships with others we will not be happy. When have the mindset that the only way for us to be successful, to be happy, to feel safe, to feel powerful is to control others we are on the fast track to being abusive, miserable and unloved.
To understand the need to control, it might help to gain a greater awareness of where it comes from. Often times fear is the basis of our need to control. There are life experiences that can create this fear such as traumatic or abusive life experiences, failed or failing relationships, and low self-esteem to name a few. If one doesn't stop and work through the hurt and pain of such experiences, we will do anything we can to avoid getting hurt again. We are fearful that if we don't learn how to control our lives and those in our lives we will not be able to prevent getting hurt in the future. The need to control our psyche's defense from being vulnerable to others and being hurt.
The life of a controller is not one of void of hurt but exactly the opposite. Relationships are dysfunctional and life in general is unsatisfying. We are social creatures that need the love, support and nurturance from others. We need the interdependence that we get when we are in mutually respectful relationships. These positive, soul fulfilling relationships cannot happen when we are need of control. We must allow ourselves to be vulnerable so that the soft parts of our heart can be touched by love. This will make us happy.
Peace and love,
Kelly
When our need to control prevents us from satisfying relationships with others we will not be happy. When have the mindset that the only way for us to be successful, to be happy, to feel safe, to feel powerful is to control others we are on the fast track to being abusive, miserable and unloved.
To understand the need to control, it might help to gain a greater awareness of where it comes from. Often times fear is the basis of our need to control. There are life experiences that can create this fear such as traumatic or abusive life experiences, failed or failing relationships, and low self-esteem to name a few. If one doesn't stop and work through the hurt and pain of such experiences, we will do anything we can to avoid getting hurt again. We are fearful that if we don't learn how to control our lives and those in our lives we will not be able to prevent getting hurt in the future. The need to control our psyche's defense from being vulnerable to others and being hurt.
The life of a controller is not one of void of hurt but exactly the opposite. Relationships are dysfunctional and life in general is unsatisfying. We are social creatures that need the love, support and nurturance from others. We need the interdependence that we get when we are in mutually respectful relationships. These positive, soul fulfilling relationships cannot happen when we are need of control. We must allow ourselves to be vulnerable so that the soft parts of our heart can be touched by love. This will make us happy.
Peace and love,
Kelly
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