On our quest to be happy, let's talk about the need to always be right. I see this often played out in arguments between partners, friends, parents and co-workers. It creates strife, resentment and blocks authentic connection which we deep down really drives humans. When you create a divide between yourself and others that you genuinely care about you will not feel happiness.
I wonder if what is driving this need to always be right has more to do with what it would mean to be wrong. Take a moment and ask yourself, "What would it mean to me if I were wrong?" "What does that little voice say inside your head when you allow yourself to consider times when you may have been wrong?" I wonder how this interaction plays out with others. I wonder what it means to you to be wrong. I wonder what meaning it holds for you. I'm guessing there is a belief that you hold deep down inside about that it means for you to be wrong.
Let's go back to when we were learning about ourselves, the world and the expectations of those we value. I remember when I was in school; I took tests, lots of tests. I remember very clearly that many of my teachers always seemed to use red ink when marking papers. Occasionally, I had the teacher that used green or purple but it didn't mater the color of ink, when she or he marked an answer wrong, even if it was just 1 question wrong, I focused so much of my energy on that 1 wrong answer. My thoughts never focused on the questions that I got right because that's what was expected. It was the wrong answers that I beat myself up over. Thoughts rushed over me, "I should've gotten that right!" "I bet no one else got that question wrong." "I'm not as smart as the other kids." All sorts of negative messages swam around my head. I began to feel insecure about my abilities, my intelligence and I didn't want anyone to suspect that I might not be as smart as them. I needed to protect myself, my vulnerable self from possible embarrassment from my peers. This is just one example of how negative self beliefs develop.
Others may have had parents or grandparents, teachers or coaches that planted the seed in our core self that we somehow didn't measure up to their expectations and brought disappointment to their faces. These are the adults we looked up, admired and loved. While many of these adult were well meaning, and thought they were encouraging us or making sure we understood their expectations. Often times the messages we heard was "You didn't study enough or practice enough or try enough"... and those messages were seeds of self doubt of "not good enough" grew and grew until they took hold inside and got twisted into a negative self believe that we must always to the best, always get the right answer and if we didn't then we were not good enough. That being wrong somehow meant that we were not good enough.
Now, that's scary. Not being good enough. No one wants to feel that way. It shakes us to our core. So we will fight with everything we have to avoid being wrong. We have to be right because we have equated being right with being good enough, smart enough, tough enough... This can't bode well for our relationships. Typically, we are operating on auto pilot when it comes to these deep self beliefs. We don't even realize what we are doing, thinking and interacting. It's become so much a part of character, outlook on life and way of interacting with others. It usually only comes into our awareness when it begins to create problems in our relationships. We begin butting up against someone else and their deep self beliefs and it can create some real problems- we are not happy.
So, give yourself permission to become curious about those deep seated self beliefs. Ask yourself, "How would I feel it I were not right?" "What does that stir up?" Anxiety, stress, insecurity, fear... anger, disappointment. Then remind yourself that no one can have all the answers, no one can be right all time; it's ok to make mistakes. Then practice self-compassion. Love yourself for being wrong, for not being right, for not being perfect. Love yourself because you are you and that will bring you happiness.
With Peace and Love,
Kelly
I wonder if what is driving this need to always be right has more to do with what it would mean to be wrong. Take a moment and ask yourself, "What would it mean to me if I were wrong?" "What does that little voice say inside your head when you allow yourself to consider times when you may have been wrong?" I wonder how this interaction plays out with others. I wonder what it means to you to be wrong. I wonder what meaning it holds for you. I'm guessing there is a belief that you hold deep down inside about that it means for you to be wrong.
Let's go back to when we were learning about ourselves, the world and the expectations of those we value. I remember when I was in school; I took tests, lots of tests. I remember very clearly that many of my teachers always seemed to use red ink when marking papers. Occasionally, I had the teacher that used green or purple but it didn't mater the color of ink, when she or he marked an answer wrong, even if it was just 1 question wrong, I focused so much of my energy on that 1 wrong answer. My thoughts never focused on the questions that I got right because that's what was expected. It was the wrong answers that I beat myself up over. Thoughts rushed over me, "I should've gotten that right!" "I bet no one else got that question wrong." "I'm not as smart as the other kids." All sorts of negative messages swam around my head. I began to feel insecure about my abilities, my intelligence and I didn't want anyone to suspect that I might not be as smart as them. I needed to protect myself, my vulnerable self from possible embarrassment from my peers. This is just one example of how negative self beliefs develop.
Others may have had parents or grandparents, teachers or coaches that planted the seed in our core self that we somehow didn't measure up to their expectations and brought disappointment to their faces. These are the adults we looked up, admired and loved. While many of these adult were well meaning, and thought they were encouraging us or making sure we understood their expectations. Often times the messages we heard was "You didn't study enough or practice enough or try enough"... and those messages were seeds of self doubt of "not good enough" grew and grew until they took hold inside and got twisted into a negative self believe that we must always to the best, always get the right answer and if we didn't then we were not good enough. That being wrong somehow meant that we were not good enough.
Now, that's scary. Not being good enough. No one wants to feel that way. It shakes us to our core. So we will fight with everything we have to avoid being wrong. We have to be right because we have equated being right with being good enough, smart enough, tough enough... This can't bode well for our relationships. Typically, we are operating on auto pilot when it comes to these deep self beliefs. We don't even realize what we are doing, thinking and interacting. It's become so much a part of character, outlook on life and way of interacting with others. It usually only comes into our awareness when it begins to create problems in our relationships. We begin butting up against someone else and their deep self beliefs and it can create some real problems- we are not happy.
So, give yourself permission to become curious about those deep seated self beliefs. Ask yourself, "How would I feel it I were not right?" "What does that stir up?" Anxiety, stress, insecurity, fear... anger, disappointment. Then remind yourself that no one can have all the answers, no one can be right all time; it's ok to make mistakes. Then practice self-compassion. Love yourself for being wrong, for not being right, for not being perfect. Love yourself because you are you and that will bring you happiness.
With Peace and Love,
Kelly
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